Serious OC Hijinks Have Gone Too Far
by SavvyVee
Summary: THIS JUST IN: The OC is waaaay too believable. For a more accurately dramafilled version of what this show should be like. READ READ READ this story! A NEW CHAPTER OMFG!111
1. Default Chapter

Drama makes the world go round. I thrive on drama. What I'm concerned about is the fact that The O.C. is too damn believable. Honestly. We need more drama people. It's TV for frikkin frikkin's sake.

The Disclaimer to end all Disclaimers: I feel like I don't own the characters and the truth is that they own me. Anyway, don't sue my beautiful ass.

This is SOOOO Sethummereth and Ryissamaryan. I couldn't have it any other way. Actually, I could. And I think I will.

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEE

Ryan paced back and forth and then right back again. What would he say to her? He had to say something to her. He couldn't just tell her that he had cancer then expect her to be fine with it. He continued to pace, throwing his hands in the air every so often. He stubbed his toe on a brick in the middle of the room and screamed in pain. He couldn't possibly tell her what he was thinking. Or could he? He stopped dead in his tracks and looked over at Marissa who had been crying for the past 5 hours whilst he paced.

"Marissa" he began, "Actually, do you mind if I call you Riss? I feel like we can be on nickname terms now"

"I sob..I sob I…" She barely said.

"Marissa" He began again, "Stop crying please darling"

He threw her a box of Kleenex, but it hit her right smack dab in the forehead and that just made her cry even more.

"Shit!" he exclaimed "No!"

He ran his hands through his hair, desperately trying to think of something real to say to her. He broke out in a cold sweat.

"Do you mind if I turn up the heat?" he asked.

"No" she said

He turned the thermostat to full power and within minutes the pool house was a sauna house.

Marissa took off all her clothes because really, she had to. So did Ryan. Then they did it.

Seth walked in on them doing it.

"WHOA!" he said.

Marissa was so embarrassed that she scooped up all her clothes and ran out of the pool house.

"Man, I was getting some!" Ryan said, clearly disappointed "Why you always gotta ruin it?"

"For the first time in my life I feel like I have a huge mole on my face" said Seth

Ryan contemplated telling him that he had always had a mole on his face, but decided that the last thing Seth needed was a reason to cry. Ryan couldn't stand it when people cried. Especially Marissa and Seth.

"Seth, you need to calm down" Ryan said, still naked "I don't even feel like you're my brother anymore. You've changed so much these past few days that I want to kick shit out of you just so you'll go back to normal. But my foot hurts too much from when I tripped on that brick"

Seth knew exactly what he was talking about. Ever since he developed that mole on his face everything that he had once considered "normal" suddenly seemed so strange to him. It was like the growth wanted him to be someone what he was not. He knew he would never pick up girls that way.

"Thanks Ryan" Seth said, obviously feeling better "I really feel like this little chat has healed me"

"Don't mention it" Ryan warned "Or I will have to tell you that you've always had a mole on your face"

"NOOOOOO!" screamed Seth

"Damn" Ryan thought, but he said it outloud by accident too.

"When were you going to tell me?" Seth screamed

"When you were good and ready" said Ryan "Now go and put your jacket and tie on, we're going to be late for your Mom's movie premiere"

Seth could tell that Ryan didn't want him around anymore so he stormed out of the pool house and went to primp himself for the big event. On his way back to his room he ran into his Mom.

"Seth, do you think this dress is too slutty for a movie premiere?" Kirsten asked, referring to her baby blue chiffon dress.

"Mom, it's porno movie" Seth said impatiently "You could show up in a dress made of plastic wrap and they'd think you were overdressed"

"Thanks for the tip" Kirsten said, and she ran to the kitchen to get the plastic wrap.

Seth was halfway up the stairs when he fell back down them again. His head hurt so much from the fall that he couldn't even move. Until he saw that Summer had let herself in and was now standing directly over him. He glanced up her skirt and the view paralyzed him even more.

"Cohen, I can't believe you fell down the stairs, what are you , like, twelve?" Summer said

"Actually, for your information, I'm not" Seth said

"Well get up, we need to hang curtains in my room" Summer said. She reached down to lift him off the floor.

"Summer, not tonight" Seth said once he was standing again.

"Why?" She inquired "Don't tell me that you're actually going to that porn premiere"

Seth knew how Summer felt about his Mom's new acting career. Ever since Kirsten had made the two of them watch her star in the movie "Big Penis, Small Vagina" Summer had always been jealous of Kirsten's damn good luck that she had just happened to be sunbathing naked on the beach when a famous movie producer had asked her to star in his movies. But Seth wasn't going to let Summer's jealousy get in the way of him supporting his mother's career choice.

"Of course I'm going" He stated "She's threatening me with a million dollar lawsuit if I don't"

"That's so Kirsten" Summer fumed.

Summer wished she knew what the word lawsuit meant.

"Seth!"

Kirsten was screaming for her son from the kitchen.

"What?" Seth screamed back

"I have the plastic wrap stuck to my pubic hair!" she yelled to him, obviously in serious pain, "Can you help me?"

"I'll go" Summer said reluctantly. "I owe her that much for that time she saved my life when I nearly jumped into the swimming pool at Caleb's plastic surgery appreciation party."

"Yeah, who would have thought that he would fill the swimming pool with rabid weasels?" Seth reminisced.

After Summer had finally left him alone, Seth made his way up to his room only to find that he could no longer fit through his doorway because the mole on his face had grown so much. He tried to fit through anyway and got himself good and wedged in there. He was doomed now.

Oh no! What will happen next? I've got another top-notch chapter lined up so let's have those reviews!


	2. Mole! moley

Whoa. Who would have believed that I would get bored enough to continue this story. Certainly not I, but you're all in luck, I suppose.

---------

Seth could feel his life ending. He couldn't believe that he worked so hard to weasel his way into the richest family in Newport Beach, and brainwash them into believing he was their son, and it was all for nothing. He was going to die stuck in the doorway to his room because his stupid half- psuedo- step- adopted-brother couldn't have told him earlier that he had a mole on his face. Seth made a mental note to kill Ryan in an awful, bloody death, if he ever survived through this.

"Seth, you did NOT get your damn mole stuck in the doorway again!" Screamed Summer from behind him.

"Summer, I don't need your attitude right now. Can't you see I'm starving to death?" Seth screamed back at her.

"You SO aren't starving to death. You're eating a steak dinner as we speak." She pointed out.

"So I am." He admitted. He put down his dinner plate and wiped his mouth clean of steak residue.

"Anyway, You're mom is dressed and ready to go. I'm going to go and find Ryan so we can get you out of this doorway. But first I think we should play Boggle or something, because seriously, I rule at that game" she said

"Well fine" he said "But only one round because you know how playing Boggle generally makes me burst into flame"

"You always make up the worst excuses Cohen," she said. Then she left to go find Ryan. She couldn't take much more of Seth and his whining. She completely forgot about Boggle also. She opened the door to the pool house to find Ryan hanging naked from a noose.

"You did NOT commit suicide," she accused him.

"Well almost, but please Summer let me down. I've decided I don't want to go through with it anymore," he said urgently.

She huffed her way over to him and untied the noose. Then she took off all her clothes and had sex with him because it was just way too convenient.

Marissa walked in on them doing it.

But rather than get mad and cry like she normally would, she decided to make the most of the situation so she joined in too.

Ryan was rather impressed that his fake hanging had resulted in a threesome, which was, fittingly enough, his exact intention.

The three of them redressed and made their ways to the local Newport Beach Porno Movie House for Kirsten's premiere, completely forgetting about Seth in the doorway.

-----

"Honey, I'm home!" shouted Sandy into what he thought was a house full of his family and into what actually appeared to be an empty house.

No answers.

"Honey, I'm home!" He shouted again.

A slight peep was uttered from somewhere within the house. However, it was most certainly ignored.

"Honey, I'm naked!" he screamed nakedly.

No answers.

"Hmm, I wonder where everyone went?" He pondered. He rested his naked elbow on his naked knee and his naked chin on his naked fist. He bore a striking resemblance to that sculpture of that naked thinking guy.

-----

Meanwhile at the movie theatre…

"Mrs. Cohen, I have to say it – that movie was like completely awesome!" Summer said. She had obviously completely forgotten about the insane jealousy that she had towards her boyfriend's mom. Either that or she was being sarcastic. I guess we'll have to wait and see what she says next before we can judge the tone of her comment.

"I really mean it," she continued without the slightest hint of sarcasm. "It was tasteful, while still maintaining a steamy sexual interest. _And_ it was educational, who knew that the simple combination of anal stimulation with a light massage of penis could make a man ejaculate like that….wow. I can't wait to try it out on your son."

"I'm glad you enjoyed it, dear," said Kirsten. "Now who's hungry? I have a craving for wieners and a tossed salad."

Marissa and Ryan's heads both simultaneously exploded because of that mental image. Just kidding. But they were really, really uncomfortable.

-----

"DAD, IS THAT YOU?" screamed Seth.

Sandy was shocked to realize that he wasn't home alone. He figured he had better wipe his prints off the murder weapons and hide the dead bodies of Julie and Kaitlin Cooper before anyone found out that a crime had just taken place.

"DAD I'M STUCK UPSTAIRS," shouted Seth

Sandy breathed a sigh of relief and took his time with the cleanup.

"I'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE, SON," Sandy yelled as he ripped the bloody carpets from the living room floor.

"I THINK EVERYONE ELSE LEFT ME BEHIND WHEN THEY WENT TO SEE MOM'S MOVIE PREMIERE," Seth shouted to his father.

"Not everyone," Sandy snickered to himself and eyed the brutally murdered corpses of the Coopers.

"I NOW HAVE ABANDONMENT ISSUES," Seth yelled. "I JUST WANT TO LIVE A NORMAL LIFE, YOU KNOW? BUT EVERYWHERE I TURN THERE'S JUST ANOTHER PERSON WHO DOESN'T APPRECIATE ME ENOUGH TO WANT TO STAY AROUND FOR VERY LONG. RYAN COULD TAKE OFF TO ANYWHERE AT ANY MOMENT. I ALWAYS WORRY THAT HE'LL UP AND LEAVE TO GO BACK TO CHINO, I MEAN NOTHING'S REALLY KEEPING HIM HERE. EXCEPT MARISSA, MAYBE, BUT I'VE HEARD HIM TALK IN HIS SLEEP ABOUT REALLY JUST HATING HER TO THE CORE. I CAN SEE WHAT HE MEANS, SHE'S PRETTY SNOBBISH AND SHE HAS NO REASON TO BE LIKE THAT. AND I MEAN ISN'T SHE A LESBIAN? REMEMBER HER AND ALEX? AND THERE'S ANOTHER PERSON WHO LEFT ME – ALEX. MAN, AND SHE WAS SMOKIN' HOT. IT REALLY HURTS WHEN I THINK ABOUT HOW I HAD THE BEST CHANCE IN THE WORLD TO GET WITH THAT BODY AND I BLEW IT. SPEAKING OF BLOWING, ARE YOU EXCITED ABOUT MOM'S MOVIE?"

By the end of Seth's rambling Sandy had concealed most of the evidence and made his way upstairs to talk to his emotionally troubled son.

"Seth I think you're overreacting," Sandy said, trying to calm him down. "You're a wonderful boy with unique qualities. You've encountered a problem here and the only solution is to do the right thing. I'd love to give you more specific advice, but this is something you have to figure out on your own."

Seth's face brightened and his mole became significantly smaller, meaning he was finally free from the confinement of the doorway. Seth realized that the size of his mole was directly proportional to his mood. "Thanks Dad," he said with the glow of ultimate satisfaction. Not really a glow…more like a look of embarrassment for just having jizzed all over the carpet because of his intense satisfaction.

----


End file.
